Comet Panstarrs [ C/2011 L4 PANSTARRS ] Will Be Visible in the Western Sky On the Same Day of the Papal Conclave
Song Of The Day: Fleetwood Mac – Little Lies
Picture Of The Day: Lonely leaf left alone by Dave Heuts
This song came out when I was two years old. In fact, I can actually remember hearing this song around the same time – one of the earliest memories I can actually remember.
I’d be lying if I said I was happy right now, especially after walking away and choosing to be alone again. I’m not. I’ll probably second guess my decision for a while to come, but I know inside that it was the right decision for myself. I’ve made 4 relationship attempts in my life (all long distance, the 4th being the one I just walked away from) but they’ve always failed for various reasons. I’ve never really spoke publicly about specifics regarding those relationships and why they failed and why I feel the need to invalidate them all and just say that I’ve never been in a relationship in my life, thus erasing them. I think to aid myself in moving forward and putting the past behind me, I finally need to open up about them. I won’t give any names, I’ll refer to the first one as Number 1, the second as Number 2, the third as Number 3 and the fourth as Number 4.
Number 1 I met in October 2005 and it began as just having someone to talk to. But it blossomed from that as time passed. I made one fatal mistake from the get-go (which I repeated with the other three) – I lied a lot about myself to make myself “look better” and be something I wasn’t. From 2006 to 2007 there was ups and downs with Number 1. There’s some songs in the late Summer period I can’t listen to anymore without being reminded about Number 1. See, I was a fool the entire time. I never really took everything seriously I took it all for granted. My biggest mistake? In that late Summer 2006 after having an argument with Number 1, I met Number 2 and began to cheat on Number 1 with Number 2 on and off for the next year until both left. Guess what? Looking back at it all now, Number 1 was the one that actually got away thanks to my own doing and stupidity. I found myself with the next three comparing them to Number 1 and feeling they didn’t match up. I never knew what I really had until it was gone. She left in September 2007 (around the same time Number 2 left) and the loss of Number 1 is actually my second biggest regret in my life, second to only not being awake when my grandfather died. I’ll be perfectly honest, I’d give anything to go back in time and correct that mistake or have a second chance. But sadly, I know that won’t ever happen. Number 1 was the most compatible person for me; the most compassionate and in the right ways like a puzzle piece, fit me the best. It’s because of the experience with Number 1 that I was able to finally work on myself (after Number 3) and get myself to a place where I didn’t need to hide behind lies or lie and be something I’m not. I wish I could thank her for what she inspired in me and caused me to accomplish a few years later. Out of all of my exes, Number 1 would be the only one I wouldn’t want to invalidate.
Number 2, like I said, I met in late Summer 2006 during a period when me and Number 1 were arguing. To be honest, I don’t know what I ever saw in Number 2. She was a lot like me in ways; stuck in one place all the time so she was around a lot to talk to and she was a redhead (orange is my favorite color). It was the amount of attention given to me that caused me to cheat on Number 1 with Number 2. But looking back on it now, Number 2 really was unable to show loving affections that I really needed (and Number 1 could) so from mid to late Summer 2007 me and Number 2 started arguing a lot to the point where she just up and cheated and replaced me with a clone right then and there. This caused a horrible emotional toll on me because I couldn’t control my emotions – I was in a constant panic attack and I couldn’t eat anything for days or do anything but sit in a dark place and attack myself. Sadly, this “emotion sickness” state happened between September to December 2007 until I finally just gave up completely. The sad thing? Years later she actually attempted to talk to me again and did on and off for a few months. But eventually I couldn’t do it anymore so I told her I didn’t want anything to do with her and I left and never looked back. Number 2 can be invalidated and I couldn’t honestly care less. She was a mistake.
Number 3. The one that did me in for a long, long time. So, after Number 1 and Number 2 left, I became more active in the Yahoo! community and I was encountering new one, one of which became a friend of mine. Number 3, unlike Number 1, 2 and 4, was older than me and had kids. This right there should have been the first red flag for me, but oh well. In December 2007 around Christmas time on a whim I decided to pursue a relationship with Number 3. Again, a long distance one but she lived in the same state as me – only 70 miles away. So, things were going good for the first 4 or so months until her computer broke and I started becoming more and more needy and attached and attention seeking. So from April to May 2008 things became increasingly bad until a tornado hit close to where she lived causing her to lose all means of communication. After the tornado hit her town I became worried so thinking she might be hurt or worse, I did some searching on Google using her name. Big mistake. What I found was a little webpage she had with recent (from April) topless pictures of herself with other people’s names written on her chest and there was messages (also recent to April) of her directly flirting and hitting on people again. I felt my heart sink after seeing that and again I went into a state of “emotion sickness” for a month after that. It wasn’t until June that I decided to disconnect all my emotions and never even attempt another relationship again. Number 3 “returned” in early 2009 but I exploded in anger on her and got rid of her and never looked back. Yet again another mistake. Number 3 can be invalidated too and I couldn’t care less.
So, from mid-2008 to late 2012 I existed in a “disconnected” state where I couldn’t care about anyone or consider a relationship of any type. In that time, I basically floated around and kept myself occupied with other things like photography.
Number 4. 4′s my favorite number so I thought it’d be lucky. Number 4 is somebody I’ve known way before I even knew Number 1, Number 2 and Number 3. I’ve known Number 4 for over 9 years now. Number 4 after not talking to me for a long time found me again nearly a year ago in 2012 and we started talking again. But as Summer approached I decided I should just leave, so I did. It was during that time my cat died and things were going badly for me. So, over a month later I decided to reach out to her and start talking to her again. She was in several relationships during that time of talking to me. So, around mid-August I decided to leave again. This time for a month and a half – yet again I came back around in early October. But what I found horrified me. She was actually working as an escort during my second disappearance. I should have just left right then and there and never looked back because something like that is a MAJOR red flag to me. Plus she was the type that did every drug under the sun (mostly Marijuana but had done other stuff like meth and cocaine) and drank alcohol and went out to bars and stuff. Another MAJOR red flag to me. Anyways from October to December things changed in her life but I was around. During that time I began to actually care about her yet I was disgusted with myself because I was still holding on to the illusion of myself (aka my “creation”) so I decided to come clean to her and tell her all about myself. We actually became closer during that time. I began to break my own rules too by using Skype and actually talking and stuff. This went on for the rest of the month until December 27th/28th which is the day(s) that are the anniversary we met 9 years earlier. So, during a Skype convo late 27th/early 28th I asked her out, she said yes. I was actually happy because I finally felt I was ready to move on from the shadow of the other three with somebody real. Well, like I said, history tends to repeat itself. What do I mean? Some of the things that happened with Number 3 began to happen with Number 4 like losing her computer and not being around much. I became so fearful that she was cheating and doing stuff I’d never approve of. I went again into another state of “emotion sickness” until I began to not care anymore in mid-February. Near the end she finally had better means to be able to talk to me but it was too late. We didn’t actually talk like we used to anymore. Just stupid short phrases and stuff. I tried to reach out multiple times but my attempts usually backfired. So, I decided yesterday (with some guidance from my horoscope) that it was time to walk away so I wrote her an e-mail, awaited the reply, replied back thanking her for what good she did for me, and deleted the e-mail account and walked away. I’m honestly not sure if I’d invalidate Number 4 because in ways she was like Number 1 – close but not close enough. Number 2 and Number 3 can be forgotten. Was Number 4 a mistake? Maybe in ways yes, but in other ways no. She actually did some good for me like Number 1 did. It’s because of that both Number 1 and Number 4 will always hold a special place in my heart and I’ll miss them both.
So what now? I’m officially done with relationships. I’ve learned all my lessons I need to learn to know they’re not meant for me. They do more emotional and physical harm than good for me, probably due to the “issues” I was born with.
So, with all that said, hopefully now I can put the past behind me and move forward. Yes, life is harder alone but I’ve been alone all 28 years of my life so I’m used to it. I’ll end this blog entry now by posting the song lyrics.
If I could turn the page
In time then I’d rearrange just a day or two
Close my, close my, close my eyes
But I couldn’t find a way
So I’ll settle for one day to believe in you
Tell me, tell me, tell me lies
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
(Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies)
Oh, no, no you can’t disguise
(You can’t disguise, no you can’t disguise)
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
Although I’m not making plans
I hope that you understand there’s a reason why
Close your, close your, close your eyes
No more broken hearts
We’re better off apart let’s give it a try
Tell me, tell me, tell me lies
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
(Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies)
Oh, no, no you can’t disguise
(You can’t disguise, no you can’t disguise)
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
If I could turn the page
In time then I’d rearrange just a day or two
(Close my, close my, close my eyes)
But I couldn’t find a way
So I’ll settle for one day to believe in you
(Tell me, tell me, tell me lies)
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
(Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies)
Oh, no, no you can’t disguise
(You can’t disguise, no you can’t disguise)
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
(Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies)
Oh, no, no you can’t disguise
(You can’t disguise, no you can’t disguise)
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
(Tell me, tell me lies)