Witchy Wednesdays: Kitty Goes Gothic At Corvus

I have several confessions to make.

A) I have yet to finish my hard-hitting Gove article which I started several days ago – I know all you crazy kids love Govey Gove Gove! – but I want to do a good job of it and don’t want to send you out some half-baked, rushed filler-article, littered with spelling mistakes and appaulingly lacking in wit.

B) This is going to be a half-baked, rushed filler-article littered with spelling mistakes and appaulingly lacking in wit.

C) I read Cosmopolitan magazine for the first time today, oh boy.

While en route to the British Library for some hard core Edmund Spenser nerding, I passed a newsagents and realised that I had never really had the chance to read the infamous ladies mag Cosmopolitan magazine.

‘Its aimed at sassy career women with disposable income!’ I thought to myself. ‘What could possibly go wrong?!’

So, I finally shelled out £3.60 for the Cosmo experience. I thought I would share with you, my lovely readers, what I learnt from it:

THE SACRED LESSONS OF COSMOPOLITAN

1) ‘Super Smart’ Zooey Deschanel is so utterly, mind-bendingly smart that she has to be dressed in a bra/boob revealing fuscia hot pink dress in order to make her relatable to readers.

2) Cosmopolitan readers aren’t into quirky cupcakes (or anything that contains sugar, fat, or calories) but they are into dresses with cupcakes sewn onto them. And massive, massive handbags with cupcake patterns stamped over them.

3) Your work outfit should be as fashion-concious and colourful as your daytime and evening outfits. You can instantly uplift any go-getting sharp suit by adding a COLOURFUL HANDBAG!!!1!11!

4) Shoes must come with warning labels, because women HAVE TO BUY 248 pairs of shoes, and if they see them and do not buy them they will EXPLODE WITH CARNAL COVETING.

5) All of women’s clothes must be judged by men at all times. If they fail to meet their exacting standards and wants then you have failed. Even if you are Anne Hathaway in an expensive white dress, on the red carpet, enjoying a highlight of your career – if Steven, 22, from Wolverhampton doesn’t want to give you (quote unquote) a ‘cuddle’ in your dress, Anne, then you are doing fashion wrong.

6) All Cosmo readers have high-flying, hard-hitting jobs, but they must involve being a ‘freelance journalist’, a ‘marketing executive’ or something similar, with little to no job description actually involved. You must work at some kind of desk job where you do vague things of some description, and then come home and read Cosmo. Rinse and repeat.

7) Easter eggs are forbidden in the Cosmo universe, unless you measure them via calorie content and how many Creme Eggs those calories are worth (because it’s Easter – guilt can be fun!) You must cut out and keep this handy calorie-shaming graph and stick it to your fridge to remind you of how obese you are when you eat an eighth of a cadbury dairy milk egg. (Incidentally, a ‘Thornton’s Tempting Trifle’ egg is the calorie equivalent of a fun 13.9 creme eggs, which will not stop me wolfing down both the Creme Eggs AND the Easter egg on Sunday – Suck it, Cosmo).Evil and Dangerous Alien EggEvil and Dangerous Cadbury’s Creme Egg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8) We can only talk about inspecting our boobs for lumps if we refer to them as ‘puppies’ rather than breasts, complete with cute and well-meant if somewhat patronising pictures of puppies, covered/smothered in pretty floral bras – which I’m pretty sure is some kind of animal abuse.

9) You don’t just have a clitoris and a ‘g’ spot, but an ‘x’ spot and a ‘y’ spot, and all other spots of the English alhabet PLUS some Greek letters too. And if you are not engaging with all of these spots during sexual intercourse AT THE SAME TIME, then you are DOING SEX WRONG and are not ‘liberated’ enough for Cosmo readers, you eighteenth century virginal maid.

9) You can’t masterbate with your hand on the sofa while bored on a Tuesday afternoon, like the rest of the universe does. You can only use an expensive vibrator, in a darkened room with inscence sticks, smooth jazz and dimmer switches.

10) It’s perfectly acceptable to call your best friend of ten years a complete and total annoying slag, as long as you change their name in the article to ‘Julie’ and start every paragraph with ‘Although she’s been my friend often years’ or ‘Although she supports me’, before you rip into her personality harder than a buzzsaw with rusty nails attached. Julie’s crimes include being ‘talkative’ at someone else’s birthday party, ordering salad dressing, talking about her sex life with her friends and giving honest advice. WHAT A SLAG.

11) It doesn’t matter how much weight you lose; once a fattie, always a fattie. Even when you’re less of a fattie than your skinnier-than-a-french-fry friends, you will forever be the fattie of the group. I’ll bet your even thinking about french fries now, aren’t you. You fattie.

12) Every third page must be a product placement feature and/or promotional advertisement for a pointless and/or celebrity endorsed make-up brand.

13) If you’re single, you must either be completely heartbroken and singing ‘all by myself’ a la Bridget Jones on a Friday night, or banging everything with a pulse. There is no in between. And heaven forbid that you are a happy single lady with a somewhat ‘average’ sex life. If you’re happy being single then you’re some kind of weirdo with relationship issues.

14) The perfect relationship features a man who is your complete and utter ideal person in terms of their looks, personality, job, haircut, body shape, career, fashion sense, education level, libido level, favourite TV show, eye colour, zodiac sign, parentage, opinions on the taste of cheese, age and weight. Being less than ideal in even one of these categories means that you two are incompatible, regardless of the chemistry you both share, and thus the relationship is doomed to fail from the start.

15) What men think about you is more important than what you think about yourself.

16) If a man can’t last more than three thrusts during sex, then FREAKIN’ HYPNOTHERAPY is the go-to cure for his problems.

17) Being tagged in a Facebook photo of you wearing the same outfit twice is such an utter social sin that anyone who commits the crime should wear a paper bag over their head for six months. With lots of differently coloured bags stashed in their wardrobe, of course. Wouldn’t want to be photo-tagged in the same paper bag twice, would we?

18) ‘Dressing like one of the lads’ (i.e. wearing slouchy pants and a casual jacket) threatens men’s masculinity to the point where they will accuse you of being a cross dresser if you wear anything remotely unfeminine. Only men are allowed to dress comfortably.

19) Cosmo apparently features ‘daring sex tips’ and a ‘go-big-or-go-home’ mission statement. (This sentence featured right by a collection of photographs of Zooey Deschanel in various coloured frocks*).

20) According to Nicki Minaj, wearing the colour pink is they key to happiness.

Okay, seriously. I can’t do this anymore. Please, please let me go back to reading The Vagenda. LET ME GET BACK TO CRITICISING GOVE.

*Don’t get me wrong. I love Zooey Deschanel. She’s an awesome lady who tells it like it is. But I hate how Cosmo has portrayed her in this collosal cock-up of an article.